Warrior Voices Ana
Recovery is empowering
My name is Ana Dobrot. I am 18 years old, and a freshman at St. Bonaventure University. In August 2020, the summer after my freshman year of high school, I was diagnosed with restrictive anorexia nervosa (RAN). I was hospitalized for two weeks for safe physical rehabilitation, then released to twelve weeks of partial hospitalization treatment followed by ten weeks of intensive outpatient treatment. I exhibited acute symptoms for approximately 5 months before my diagnosis, but had struggles with disordered thoughts and behaviors for several years. I also continued to struggle with eating disorder behaviors for several years into my recovery. As my family and I entered the recovery process, we began to understand the magnitude of the task we were undertaking. During my initial hospitalization, we all thought I would be fully recovered by Christmas… but fast forward to November, I was still exhibiting acute restrictive thoughts and behaviors. While I knew I needed support to make it through meals and snacks, I still felt incredibly stifled being watched every time I ate, having to eat lunch at school with the guidance counselor instead of my friends, and feeling like I had to structure my whole days around my meal plan.
One of my behaviors was excessive exercise, so out of fear for my safety, my parents didn’t allow me to be alone for months. I slept on a mattress on their floor and went to the bathroom with the door open. Additionally, my parents and I had been taught to “separate the eating disorder from myself” as a way to help me connect with my “healthy brain,” but in reality this only confused me and alienated me from myself. I felt a complete loss of identity and autonomy. Because of this, the initial stages of my recovery were very mentally and emotionally taxing. As I have grown in my recovery, I have realized that perfection truly is the enemy to my progress. I had to allow myself, and teach my parents to allow me to make mistakes.
Of course, I also had to do a lot of therapy work to help recognize and hold myself accountable when I had slips in recovery, and to prevent those same slips from happening again. However, once I realized that it was unrealistic to expect a recovery that myself or others could consider “perfect”, I found that I was much more motivated and successful at meeting my goals. I discovered that gradual progress was much more sustainable than sudden perfection, and that when I set a few, specific goals, I could achieve things that may otherwise have seemed unattainable. Almost three and a half years into my recovery, after several slips and relapses, I can say that I am in a strong and stable place. I cannot say for certain that I will never slip again. I know that life is unpredictable, and that reverting to eating disorder behaviors may be a comfortable coping option.
However, I am confident that I can recognize the eating disorder creeping in, and even more confident that I do not want to return to that place. I no longer want to reduce my identity to that of the eating disorder. Today, although I still attend regular nutrition and therapy appointments, I am able to focus mostly on my schoolwork and hobbies while recovery comes more naturally. I am studying bioinformatics on a pre-med track, and am committed to GW School of Medicine through an early admission program. I enjoy making music, painting and drawing, weightlifting, rock climbing, and skiing, and bake themed desserts with my friends for every holiday. As I reflect back on my recovery journey, I want to validate every moment of fear and despair one might feel during the early (or not so early) stages of recovery. It may seem impossible to ever focus your energy on anything else but this struggle.
But as healing starts taking place, and glimpses of "the other life" creep back in, allow yourself to enjoy them and remember they will become more frequent. Slowly, and with loving support, one can regain the ability to live a full life, to enjoy their real passions, and keep distress at bay. One helpful strategy for me was to get involved in the community and give back, put some of my energy into helping others. At times, giving back to the eating disorder community is wonderful, as one can fully grasp how those affected may feel, or what they might need. However, depending on the person, involvement in other types of community work might be desirable, if staying immersed in the eating disorder realm can become overwhelming. Either way, finding purpose and community is extremely helpful and fulfilling, and can speed up, or enhance, recovery. While I continue to describe myself as still "in recovery" to avoid definitive and rigid labels, I strongly believe that no matter the space one finds itself in, there is hope, and there is growth, and there is a path towards a compassionate and gentle life for those suffering from eating disorders.
Ana
One of my behaviors was excessive exercise, so out of fear for my safety, my parents didn’t allow me to be alone for months. I slept on a mattress on their floor and went to the bathroom with the door open. Additionally, my parents and I had been taught to “separate the eating disorder from myself” as a way to help me connect with my “healthy brain,” but in reality this only confused me and alienated me from myself. I felt a complete loss of identity and autonomy. Because of this, the initial stages of my recovery were very mentally and emotionally taxing. As I have grown in my recovery, I have realized that perfection truly is the enemy to my progress. I had to allow myself, and teach my parents to allow me to make mistakes.
Of course, I also had to do a lot of therapy work to help recognize and hold myself accountable when I had slips in recovery, and to prevent those same slips from happening again. However, once I realized that it was unrealistic to expect a recovery that myself or others could consider “perfect”, I found that I was much more motivated and successful at meeting my goals. I discovered that gradual progress was much more sustainable than sudden perfection, and that when I set a few, specific goals, I could achieve things that may otherwise have seemed unattainable. Almost three and a half years into my recovery, after several slips and relapses, I can say that I am in a strong and stable place. I cannot say for certain that I will never slip again. I know that life is unpredictable, and that reverting to eating disorder behaviors may be a comfortable coping option.
However, I am confident that I can recognize the eating disorder creeping in, and even more confident that I do not want to return to that place. I no longer want to reduce my identity to that of the eating disorder. Today, although I still attend regular nutrition and therapy appointments, I am able to focus mostly on my schoolwork and hobbies while recovery comes more naturally. I am studying bioinformatics on a pre-med track, and am committed to GW School of Medicine through an early admission program. I enjoy making music, painting and drawing, weightlifting, rock climbing, and skiing, and bake themed desserts with my friends for every holiday. As I reflect back on my recovery journey, I want to validate every moment of fear and despair one might feel during the early (or not so early) stages of recovery. It may seem impossible to ever focus your energy on anything else but this struggle.
But as healing starts taking place, and glimpses of "the other life" creep back in, allow yourself to enjoy them and remember they will become more frequent. Slowly, and with loving support, one can regain the ability to live a full life, to enjoy their real passions, and keep distress at bay. One helpful strategy for me was to get involved in the community and give back, put some of my energy into helping others. At times, giving back to the eating disorder community is wonderful, as one can fully grasp how those affected may feel, or what they might need. However, depending on the person, involvement in other types of community work might be desirable, if staying immersed in the eating disorder realm can become overwhelming. Either way, finding purpose and community is extremely helpful and fulfilling, and can speed up, or enhance, recovery. While I continue to describe myself as still "in recovery" to avoid definitive and rigid labels, I strongly believe that no matter the space one finds itself in, there is hope, and there is growth, and there is a path towards a compassionate and gentle life for those suffering from eating disorders.
Ana